Before we had Ben we had two little yorkies that were our babies. Missy and Fufu were not exactly friendly towards children. They'd growl, bark, and the boy (yes Fufu was the boy yorkie) would try and bite / attack little kids. So when I told my husband Nick we'd have to find them a new home before the baby came home, he very sternly told me that these dogs are part of the family. He went on to say that Fufu is going to be like Ben's brother and that he plans to give the dog more attention than the baby to ensure the dog that he isn't being replaced. Ha! Can I just throw in that the day Nick walked through the front door with our screaming baby (after 3 days of labor and 5 days in the hospital without sleep) that he kicked the dog out of his way when Fufu met him at the door! Nick still refused to give the dogs to a better home even though they mostly lived in the backyard or in their crates when in the house, were often neglected and forgotten unless they barked and woke the baby - then I gave them some attention.
When Ben was about 11 months old, Fufu snuck into the house and within a minute I heard the yelp, growl from the dog and a cry from my baby. I'm assuming Ben tried to pet Fufu or grabbed his ear or something and Fufu bit his face. His tooth punctured his skin and made a blood blister under his right eye. I was beyond furious and the neighbors probably thought I was insane. I called Nick, made him come home, and give the dogs away - even innocent Missy b/c I wasn't going to wait for her to one day get a hold of him, and the next time I might not be so lucky. What if he lost an eye or a finger?
Whenever we went on vacations Nick's boss (known as "the dog whisperer" at his office) would watch our dogs, and he offered to take them. I tried to nurse Ben to sleep to calm him down and I was sobbing, shaking with my anger and stupidity for allow this to happen, b/c I knew an accident like this was inevitable. I stared and stared at his cheek, burning the image in my mind to serve as a reminder that I would never go against my gut when it came to my baby's safety again. I didn't realize that Ben's eyes were wide with alert and probably filled with worry over why I was so upset. I remember him reaching for my face, and thinking he's trying to calm me down. You know, the way people always say, "They're fine" when they're not just to make you feel better. Well eventually he fell asleep but he hadn't really nursed which was kinda odd.
When he woke up from his nap I assumed he'd want to nurse really hard because he must be hungry but he refused to latch on. Sometimes he'd wake up from a nap and just want to play so I didn't think much of it. When he refused to nurse before his afternoon nap, and after he woke from that nap I started to worry. I tried to nurse him to sleep before bedtime but he screamed and cried and wouldn't even attempt to latch. It was like he wanted nothing to do with me, pushing against my hold and turning his head away. I made my husband rock him to sleep that night with a plan in mind. As soon as he was asleep I planned to sneak back into his room and "dream nurse" him in his sleep. When I gently picked him up and placed his cheek against me, instinctually he opened his mouth but then it occurred to him that he was about to nurse and his eyes snapped open and he began to cry. I began to cry too! What a horrible day! First my baby gets bitten by our dog, then he refuses to nurse! I put the two together and thought maybe he's just been traumatized by the whole thing and will wake up hungry in the night and eventually nurse.
Even though we spent days doing the cry it out method to make him sleep through the night, I snuck back into his room and tried to nurse him in the middle of the night. My breasts were nearly as engorged as when my milk first came in. I was extremely scared when he started to cry when he realized what I was trying to make him do. I called the pediatrician the next morning and told him all that had happened leading up to his refusal to nurse.
The doctor told me a few things...
1. Babies can go on a nursing strike for several reasons:
- If you're eating something that is causing their belly to hurt.
- If you change your deodorant, soap, perfume, etc and you smell different.
- If they've had a negative association with the breast (ex: If you scream or yell when they accidentally bite you when they are teething. In my case, the crying fest I had while nursing him probably did it.)
3. It's easier on the baby to decide when to stop nursing then to force him to stop when he still wants to - so look at this as a blessing.
I went for a quick run (maybe I needed to run away from my baby that I felt was rejecting me) and thought things over. No more worrying about being away from my baby for too long, or my diet or not being able to take medicine. It's true that I wanted to be the one to decide when it was over, but at least I never had to go through the transition of getting him off me. No more pumping, nursing pads, nursing bras. It was a bittersweet moment to realize I had my body back, but with that meant I'd never breastfeed my son again. Oh had I only known the last time I nursed him, would be the last time I'd ever nurse him, I would have enjoyed it more! I told myself at least I'll get to nurse again, one day, when I have my next baby...little did I know I'd be pregnant again three months later!
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